School proved to be a nightmare from the day I step foot in kindergarten. My academic file was labeled learning disabled. I couldn't print properly and it just seemed the teachers never cared. I never got the help I needed they just took and said it was fine. Year after year it was the same story, I was just handed from one teacher to the next, passed on from one great to another with out ever having learned a damn thing. As I got older teachers started to tell me I wasn't able to do the work, I'd never be able to do the work and essentially I should just accept it and stop trying. Because I was so obviously different other children never wanted to play with me, I was just the class retard. It later grew into intense bullying and teachers often turned a blind eye to it all. No matter how many times I'd informed them. With no friends to corroborate my stories I was never believed. It was chalked up to retarded delusions.
As I grew older teachers found a use for me, muscle a proverbial jock. Gym classes proved I was almost unstoppable infront a net or behind the plate, nothing got by me. It was a small improvement but they still never helped me academically I was still just the class retard incapable of doing work albeit I was an athletic one.
In 7th grade I'd had a steak knife with my lunch and I was eating my steak, two kids who's personal life's mission was my misery told the new VP I'd pulled a knife on them. I wasn't believed, If I had the knife I obvious did it, was suspended for 40s days. As it turns out because I was retarded it was reduced to four days, I wasn't even good enough to be punished like a " Normal" person. When I got home I got hell for it. I spent four days in my room, no tv, no toys, no video games, I had books though. It didn't do me any good because I couldn't read them. At 12 years old I was sitting in my room with 1st grade level picture books and I couldn't read them. I broke down got frustrated and I whole heartedly cried and I felt. That same week I was pulled out of public education and put into private. The school being private didn't catered to learning disabled children but they were not going to turn down another student. They needed the income that tuition brought. I was put down to 6th grade and didn't go out for recess at all that year. I stayed inside the class room on my own trying to build basics. I passed that term with straight D and an A in gym. Such was my life into 8th grade. I graduated elementary with mediocre grades despite spending three times what peers did on work.
High school came around and I stayed with in the private sector, they kept me in mainstreamed classes. I struggled through grade nine. I was still a loner and I had teachers that just couldn't handle me or didn't want to so once more it was up to me to figure it out on my own. I failed math, hardly passed any of the other subjects that year with once more the exception on gym. Grade 10 saw I made it on to the schools one athletic team an acrosport/ cheersquad...ironically we had no one to cheer for so we toured the North Eastern American coast instead. I'd found a bit of a fit although I was never taught I was once more the muscle. It was more of meeting demands and never receiving the help. I taught myself to do flips. Academically it was the same story, I taught myself. I some how managed to leave with a 3.0 70%. cumulative average. Outside of my high school principal whom I'd played men's rec hockey with, who saw something in me and from time to time invited me for dinner with his family. Everyone was shocked though a lot chalked it up to modified work and pity from educators. Although high school did something it removed learning disabled from my file or whatever the political correct thing to say is now. It took me 5 years instead of 4 but I did it.
I got into college taking a general arts and science programe. First semester went by in a breeze for me. Math, Marketing, Photography, Communications 1, Computers 1 and a short view of world history courses. They were cut and dry courses....They told you what to do and you handed it in on the due date. I worked hard and relied on nobody.
Then Semester two came around....I had Literature, Communications 2, Creative Writing, History of Popular Music and Computers two. Literature was worked for me the set up read the stories, write the paper hand it in. Communications and Creative writing were the exact same lab hours to get the work done in the class or do it at home and hand it. It was Computers and Music that really took the piss out of me. Computers had this hybrid computer hour where that extra in class hour for work was lost, it royally screwed me up my focus was no longer tunneled and set. Music is something I love dearly but this course just killed me 3 hour lecture course with no lab hours for work...it's not a big deal but when your me, it's pretty big. I found myself doing the work and then forgetting parts of the process to submit it via the schools network so many things just get lost in translation for me. It was a course I really struggled with even though essentially it was easy both projects being group work and growing being shunned from groups for being one of the speds and later on being screwed over with groups because I never learned how to work in one, communicate in one. Even with sports despite being on a team. I was in essence on my own I stopped the ball or stopped the puck it was my job. I didn't have to really depend on other players to be in there positions or even talk to them about it. Despite being able to carry out a conversation just fine in certain settings I'm intimidated and painfully shy. So when i hit this wall in this courses were I just couldn't do it, it wasn't working past habits that were instilled into me stopped me from going for help. Because if I couldn't do it....it meant they were right all along I'm not capable. I didn't talk to the teacher at all about it. Don't get me wrong....he's a good guy, passionate about what he teaches it shines through like a gay pride float. But past experiences just grabbed me and stopped me. I could never show weakness growing up ever and that was something I taught myself. Not to mention I was scared to my wits end about being told....I can't do it. So I never said anything about having trouble focusing that I in fact do have some trouble up stairs that effects my concentration and how I execute things and often forget process and steps. Because it's something I've been judged by so much in my life for that dictated so much of my child hood and in away dictates what I do now on an academic level.
To cap the most important tail ends of that semester...one of my best friends had his mom pass away and that really affected me hard. Because I was hurt for my friend and mourn the loss as well. I have an Aunt who is dying. I caught a cold which turned into bronchitis, then caught the stomach flu and not even a t week later developed strep throat. All with the past month and a half. Which ultimately affected my work ethic. But I've never been a half assed student and I feel as if some of teachers might feel this way after the semester. Though there were a couple teachers I actually connected with which ultimately was a first for me. One simply over a ingrained canadian love of all things ice and puck and another one who just got me in away.
So I wrote it all, got it all out. I have no idea where my semester is going probably in the shitter and that'll hurt a lot because it's a huge smack in my face on some level because all I hear is the voices of educators in the past telling me i couldn't do it, I'd never do it and that I'd fail. But maybe I'm learning as I go. I'd like to think I'm getting better with all of this getting past ridiculous fears that sculpted in a young child's mind. I'd like to think I'm growing and evolving, I actually strike up conversations with teachers now and even try to joke. Instead of saying nothing and staying backed into a corner.
I'm by no means special, I'm just me and there are things I struggle with and things I excel at. I think for the first time in a long time. I'm beginning to realize it's ok, I'm ok that I'm worth more then just athletic muscle and meat. That there is a brain between my ears and it works even if it choose to take it's own route which seems to be the path with the most rocks, rivers, cavern caves and moose it'll get there. I've made it this far all while making up for 9 years of education I'd lost because I was branded retarded. I'm not retarded I just have trouble in areas. A lot of people miss it because I talk clear and these days I can socialize in most settings and hell I can even have fun now.
hmmm maybe they were right...putting things down does lift tension.
I'm out of here.
